Perhaps you are no longer refusing your spouse sex and you feel you’re being a generous by going past your preference for less sex but don’t realize that you have moved from being an outright refuser of sex to a gatekeeper of sexual pleasure. What is the difference between a “refuser” and a “gatekeeper”? A gatekeeper has sex only on their terms, a refuser doesn’t have sex (very often).
What’s the big deal you say? A refuser controls sex in the marriage by denying it, a gatekeeper controls the sex in the marriage by limiting it. A gatekeeper says where, when and how sex will take place. Want to try a new position? The gatekeeper will not let you pass. Want to make love in the backseat of the van in your own garage? The gatekeeper will not let you pass. Want to have sex two days in a row? The gatekeeper will not let you pass. Want to turn on the lights? The gatekeeper will not let you pass. Want to “do” your spouse? The gatekeeper will not let you pass. Want to spice up the language in your marriage bed? The gatekeeper will not let you pass. Sex toys? The gatekeeper will not let you pass. Missionary sex with the same tired routine? OK, as long as it is on the gatekeeper’s terms and timetable.
Asking for permission to do a normal sexual act can become humiliating because you must ask permission.
- What are some of the consequences of being married to a gatekeeper?
- The freedom of “making love” is turned into a task to achieve orgasm through genital stimulation with little eroticism, encouragement or intimacy.
- A broken spirit.
These are just some of the consequences to living with a gatekeeper that I have seen reported through the years. I am sure I have missed several.
Yes, we all should have the right to control what we do sexually, but think about that for a minute. We all should have the right to control what we do sexually. When we marry we have to take into account our spouse’s non-sinful sexual desires, wants and needs and push our own boundaries to accommodate as many of them as we can.
The alternative is the same old boring sexual routine…