Posts tagged control

Control or Intimacy, You Can’t Have Both

Jul02
2012 1 Comment Written by Kentucky Colonel

A quote I read recently attributed to Laura Boyle made some things click for me.

Control and intimacy are opposites. I can have one or the other, not both.
~Laura Doyle

This quote clarified how Dr. David Schnarch’s (affiliate link) articles People Have Sex Within The Limits of Their Development, People Who Can’t Control Themselves Control The People Around Them and People Who Can’t Control Themselves Control The People Around Them Part 2 are interrelated. When the intimacy your spouse is suggesting is beyond your development you seek to control them or, as a friend so succinctly put it, “Controlling others controls the terms of the relationship. People can only be intimate as far as their personal freedom (development) allows.”

I like that my friend used the word “freedom” because that’s really what we’re talking about. Are you free to be completely intimate or are you in bondage to your own anxieties about being completely intimate?

When people can’t modulate their own anxieties and insecurities, one partner’s options and priorities are sacrificed on the alter of the other’s fears, whether those options are a new baby, a new job, or new sexual behavior.
~Dr. David Schnarch

This is what makes personal growth so important. When we choose to hang onto our insecurities and anxieties we’re not only placing ourselves in bondage we are also placing our spouse and our marriage into that same bondage.

Now, the really important part. IF people are intimate to the level of their development and IF people who cannot control themselves control those around them, where does that leave their intimacy with God? How are they controlling God? What deception are they hanging onto to justify their lack of intimate development with their spouse, their family, their friends but, most importantly, with God?

Posted in Marriage - Tagged choices, intimacy

It’s Called SELF-Confidence for a Reason

Jun22
2012 Leave a Comment Written by Kentucky Colonel

It's called SELF-Confidence for a Reason In my non-online, real life I am challenged to live up to the ideals I espouse online. I’ve never said any of this is easy. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve said that it isn’t easy. It’s difficult. I am on record however of saying that working through the difficulties is worth the joy on the other side. I’m not perfectly mature myself and so much of what I write about is the stuff with which I struggle. So, I’m right there with you, fighting to be a more mature me. Some days are better than others.

In my online life I am blessed to have some good online friends that sometimes say things that cause me to have personal epiphanies, the quote below, and the title of this post, are two of those epiphanies that occurred to me recently.

Until we accept ourselves it is useless for anyone else to try and convince us that we are acceptable.

There are some things that we have to accept. One of those things is that we cannot control anyone but ourselves. There are things that we can do for our spouse that can help then feel better about themselves. In my opinion we should be our spouse’s biggest cheerleader. However, if there is something that your spouse chooses to not accept about themselves it is a frustrating ordeal to try and get them to change their belief about themselves. They have to make that choice for themselves.

Sure we can encourage them, compliment them and give them a good reflected sense of self BUT until they decide to accept themselves it will be frustrating.

In his article Do You Want Your Partner To Stroke Your Ego Or Your Genitals? Dr. David Schnarch writes:

For instance, the more you need your partner to prop up your reflected sense of self, the more you get a triple whammy:

You take what your partner is doing (or not doing) very personally, especially when it comes to differences in sexual desire.

You’re emotionally unnerved when your relationship becomes contentious, which it inevitably will around sex and intimacy.

You go along and compromise and negotiate on things that maybe you shouldn’t, or you force your partner to adapt to you.

If feeling good about yourself depends on someone else propping you up, a reflected sense of self, everything that person does or doesn’t do is interpreted through that same lens. The lens of self. “What do their actions say about me?”

The answer to that question is, very little. Their actions say much more about how they feel about themselves than they say anything about you. However, when we’re relying on that reflected sense of self, we take their actions personally.

The other thing that happens, #2 in Dr. Schnarch’s list, is that when the relationship is going through conflict, which every relationship does, that conflict is personalized and suddenly that person relying on their spouse to prop them up to feel good about themselves has lost their crutch and is emotionally crippled. They panic emotionally and, because they cannot control themselves, they do all they can to control those around them.

Finally, when we rely on a reflected sense of self to feel good about ourselves we will do one of two things to our partner. We will acquiesce to them to receive their approval or we will force the to acquiesce to us. Once one acquiesces to the other the reflected sense of self comes back into balance and all seems to be right with the world. The problem is that the for a person with a reflected sense of self the things that caused the conflict become secondary to the poor sense of self because of the conflict. In other words, the issue becomes the poor sense of self because of the conflict and, therefor, the real issues that caused the conflict are rarely being addressed or resolved. One is being forced to give in to restore their sense of self or the other is being forced to give in to restore their spouse to emotional stability. Neither is a good outcome and only fosters more future conflict.

The issue really comes down to the lies that we believe about ourselves.

The lies we choose to believe rob us of God’s blessings.

Where do these lies come from?

John 8:44 (NASB)
You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Yes, there are things about myself that are ungodly that I need to change. I need to accept that about myself (that there are things in my life that are ungodly that I need to change). Don’t hear me saying that there isn’t room for growth and that we should just accept the way we are. There are things that we should all be working on to make a better, more mature us. However, I am never going to be 6’4″. Why should I punish my wife who loves the 5’11″ me for that? Too many of us are doing just that. We are punishing our spouse that loves us the way we are because we do not like ourselves and there is nothing our spouse can do to make us like ourselves. We have to make that choice our self. It is very difficult, perhaps impossible, to love others when you hate yourself.

I’ll leave you with The Serenity Prayer and some things to think about.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
~Reinhold Niebuhr

Perhaps it’s time for a self inventory. What are the things in your life that are ungodly that you need to change? Are you punishing yourself or your spouse over things of which you have no control? What are the things that you need to accept about yourself?

Posted in Limits to Growth - Tagged acceptance, confidence, self-esteem

Dealing with the Past in the Present

Apr13
2012 Leave a Comment Written by Kentucky Colonel

There are a lot of hurting people out there. Many of them have been abused and the abuser is still controlling them years after the abuse has stopped. The abuse is reflected in the sexual menu of their marriage. There are strict limits on the sexual activities that these couples can experience together. Couples physical intimacy is being controlled by abusers from five, ten, 15 or 20 years ago. To a certain degree the abuser is still in control of the abused’s life.

The thing is we cannot go back five, ten, 15 or 20 years to confront the abuser, to stop the abuse or to heal. We have to deal with the past in the present. We cannot change what happened. We can change how we respond to what happen and remove the control and finally break the bonds of the abuse.

The best thing you can do for your spouse, your marriage and yourself is to get healthy and break the bonds of control that the abuser still has over you. Do whatever it is you have to do. Spend whatever it take to get yourself emotionally well. Therapy, prayer, forgiveness, mercy, grace, blood, sweat, tears, scream, yell, beat the table… whatever it takes… break the control that your abuser still holds over you.

It will not be easy. Few things worth having come easily and emotional health, a happier spouse, marriage and self are worth having. If revenge is a motivator for you then get healthy, that’s the best revenge you can have over your abuser. Find whatever help you need.

Whatever it takes, decide that you are going to be completely free of the past and deal with what happened in your past today so that your tomorrows will be free of the control of the abuse and the abuser.

My prayers are with you. Be healthy today.

Posted in Marriage - Tagged abuse, abuser, emotional, health

Another Post About Sex, Kinda…

Jul21
2011 Leave a Comment Written by Kentucky Colonel

This has been rattling around in the back of my brain for sometime so bear with me.

Avoiding information As usual Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband and The Marriage Bed wrote a post, If I Don’t Admit it, It’s Not True, that finally dislodged this thought from the back of my brain and forced me to contemplate it further. Read Paul’s post and the article, Why People Avoid the Truth About Themselves from the Blog PSYBlog that Paul mentions in his post, before reading any further.

So, now that you have some background, I’m going to talk about some observations I’ve had recently after writing both It’s Just Sex and Naked and Unashamed.

It probably comes as not surprise to anyone that those two posts about marital sex generated a sharp increase in page views for my blog. Sex is a hot topic (pun intended), who wouldn’t want to read about sex? The vast majority of you reading that last question probably answered it, “My spouse.” How do I know you answered in that way? Well if you’re the one here reading this post it is likely that sex is important to you and you feel it is important to your marriage. I agree with you. However, it probably means that sex is an issue in your marriage, one that you are working to overcome, because, sex is important to you and to your marriage. You may have even sent the links of the my posts about sex along with other articles about sex in marriage to your lower sex drive spouse and they likely didn’t even read them. Why? Well let’s say that your spouse handed you a diet book, what does that say about how they feel about you and how would that make you feel? It says, “I have a problem and the problem is you. Here’s a book to fix you.” It usually isn’t well received. Stop sending your spouse articles to “fix” them unless they ask.

Now the PSYBlog post mentions three reasons why people avoid information:

It may demand a change in beliefs. Loads of evidence suggests people tend to seek information that confirms their beliefs rather than disproves them. (Do some research on cognitive dissonance.)
It may require us to take undesired actions. Telling the doctor about those weird symptoms means you might have to undergo painful testing. Sometimes it seems like it’s better not to know.
It may cause unpleasant emotions.

So, here we see the motivation for lower drive spouses to ignore the damage their actions are causing the marriage. These three reasons are about being more comfortable in avoiding the information than in facing the information.

The PSYBlog article says there are four things that determine whether we try to find out the truth or avoid the information.

Expectation. Most obvious and maybe most powerful. The more we expect bad news, the more effort we make to avoid it.
Lack of control. Less obvious but it explain a lot. When we feel we have less control over the consequences of information, we are more strongly motivated to avoid it. Like when you could be getting news about a life-threatening disease. Because there may be little you can do about it, it may be better not to know.
Lack of coping resources. When people feel they can’t handle distressing information at the moment then they’re more likely to avoid it.
When the information is difficult to understand. The harder it is to interpret information, the less we want to know about it.

The PSYBlog article goes on to talk about the reasonableness of not wanting to know information if there isn’t anything we can do about it such as being genetically predisposed to cancer. The article also says that our procrastination for getting the information can also harm us like not getting that strange mole checked out thus delaying skin cancer treatments.

The author stops short of giving any answers but observes that, “The trick is to know which information to avoid and which to seek out. But we can’t know this without knowing what the information is. But once you’ve learnt the information you can’t unlearn it. It’s a problem.” In other words, you cannot know what information to avoid or seek out without seeking out the information and, once you have the information, you cannot unlearn the information even if it is something over which you have no control.

So, how can we use the list of reasons to seek the information to seek solutions? I think that the answer is an obvious one. It seems to me that we avoid the information because it is more comfortable to avoid it than to face it. Until it become less comfortable to avoid the information than face it we will continue to avoid facing the information. A friend of mine tells me that in recover this is called “the fearless moral inventory.”

Scripture says this:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.~Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV)

There is your fearless moral inventory and when are we supposed to do this? Before we deal with the speck in our brother’s eye. Notice that scripture doesn’t say to leave the speck in your brother’s eye. It says to examine yourself first, then remove the speck.

So, now that we’ve taken a look at this more closely, what information are you more comfortable avoiding? How can you apply the information from the PsyBlog post to your life? Are you deceiving yourself into thinking that if you don’t admit it then it’s not true?

Posted in Marriage - Tagged actions, change, emotions, expectations

Because It’s The Right Thing To Do…

Jul15
2011 Leave a Comment Written by Kentucky Colonel

Paul Byerly’s post Control is Often an Illusion over at The Generous Husband prompted me to finally write this post that I’ve been mulling over for awhile. In that post Paul challenges us with the words, “Let’s be less about control and more about doing what we should do.” (emphasis added)

It seems fairly obvious to me that a mature spouse would desire to do the things that they should do but too often we find it easier to make excuses or justify why it’s fine not to do the things we know we should. A lot of these excuses and justifications rely on our attitudes about others and, since we’re talking about marriage, specifically the attitudes of our spouse. It certainly seems reasonable to not do those things we know we should when our spouse isn’t doing the things we know they should be doing but it isn’t reasonable. Often we choose not do do what we know we should in an attempt to control our spouse into action through inaction on our part. Talk about irony and hypocrisy all rolled up together, failing to do the thing we know we should because our spouse is doing the same thing. I hope you can see the selfish immaturity in that kind of attitude and also see that it is a never ending, never fulfilling cycle that stifles marital growth.

The hard reality is though that we are not exempted from doing what we know to be right because someone else isn’t doing what we think they should be doing.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.~Romans 5:8 (NIV)

This scripture has bitten me more times than I can count. When I realize that God’s love isn’t predicated on me doing the the things I should or being in a right state with Him, Christ died for us while we were still sinners, this shows me that doing the things I know I should isn’t predicated on anything but my own integrity. God’s love for me is an example of how I need to be loving my wife regardless of her actions. I need to lay down my selfishness and do the things I know I should be doing. Yes, it can be hard at times, particularly if you are married to a stubborn, immature, selfish, jerk, but we are called to do the things that we know we ought to do.

If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.~James 4:17 (NIV)

I hope that you can see that an attitude that does not depend on others actions in regard to us doing the things that we should be doing is a mature way to behave toward others, particularly our spouse. I also hope that you see that this attitude of doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do can break unfulfilling cycles in your marriage and lead to personal and marital growth.

Posted in Marriage - Tagged growth, maturity, should do

Control Yourself

Jun21
2011 2 Comments Written by Kentucky Colonel

Much of what I write about boils down to one thing, self-control. One of the things I’m finally learning in my mid-40s is that maturity and self-control go hand-in-hand. I began to realize this while reading Passionate Marriage (affiliate link). Remaining calm in the face of conflict allows you to control your response instead of allowing your emotions to get away from you and thus allowing those emotions to control your response.

I have always been fascinated by those rocks that keep their heads in a crisis when everyone around them is losing their’s. One of the places that I’ve noticed seeing this is in military movies. The attack is on and people are screaming and rushing around and all of a sudden someone composes themselves and takes control by barking out orders and turns chaos into order. One second they may have been just like everyone else, allowing their emotions to control their response, but something happens within them. They quickly discern that allowing the emotion to overtake their reason is likely to end badly for all and in split seconds they change from scared and rattled to brave and determined. Now they’re probably still scared, who wouldn’t be? But they realize that allowing the fear to control them will not give them the results that are required for the situation so they control the fear. That’s bravery.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave.~Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, 1894

One of the more disruptive episodes of emotions overtaking reason is when you hold two conflicting pieces of knowledge in your mind at the same time. This is known as Cognitive Dissonance. I’ve experienced this. It is what happens when something you “know” to be true is challenged. The link above tells us that cognitive dissonance causes an “uncomfortable tension” in us. Usually when we experience this uncomfortable tension because of cognitive dissonance we respond harshly defending what we “know” to be true. This type of response all too often shows a lack of real knowledge on our part and it shows an inflexible mind. Now, don’t misunderstand me, it is fine to defend your position but it is best to defend it with reason and controlled emotions, not just reactive emotions.

The uncomfortable tension associated with cognitive dissonance is too often blamed on the person that presented the information to which we experienced our cognitive dissonance. The problem here is that they did not cause us to “know” what we believe nor did they cause the uncomfortable tension within us. They just presented information, probably with little idea of how that information may affect us. So, why blame them for how we feel, or attack them or their ideas because they said something that is challenging to us? It may be an opportunity to grown and to learn but this is only possible if you do not allow your emotions to control you but control your emotions and respond reasonably instead.

No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice-Instead of Good-Hurts Men, Women and ChildrenNow the title of this blog is A Grown Up Marriage, so, what does self-control and cognitive dissonance have to do with marriage? A lot. Let me tie it all together. You’ve got to learn self-control if you want to be that rock that others look to during a crisis to be composed and in control. Also, the person that is likely going to challenge what you believe you “know” the most is the person that knows you the best, your spouse. If we want to learn and grow we are going to have to learn to control ourselves and our reactions to the emotions that are produced within us by those with which we interact.

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.~Albert Ellis

You control you. Attempts to control others is manipulation.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.~Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)

Manipulation isn’t a fruit of the Spirit. Self-control is. If you can learn to be that unflappable rock in your marriage, keeping your composure in the face of conflict your marriage will be better. So, let’s grow up and be the rock in our marriage by practicing and developing self-control.

Posted in Marriage - Tagged cognitive dissonance, emotions, self control

It’s All About Control

May05
2011 Leave a Comment Written by Kentucky Colonel

This morning Lisa Merlo-Booth (@LisaMerloBooth) tweeted, “Get ur eyes off the other person & pay attention to what u’re doing. Control ur behaviors cuz u can’t control theirs.” Her tweet got me to thinking about the time we waste focusing on what we cannot control. This time would be much better spent on what we can control but it’s easier to focus on and blame that which we cannot control than it is to take responsibility for what we actually can control, namely ourselves.

So, recognize what you can control and what you cannot. Actually it would be more accurate to to say, recognize who you can control and who you cannot. Too often in marriage we waste time focusing on what our spouse could, or, in our minds, should be doing that they are not. Focusing on what we cannot control. Instead we should be looking at ourselves, someone we actually have some power to control, and what we should be doing to improve ourselves and our marriage.

One of the things I’ve learned in my forty plus years here on earth is that if you don’t like the way someone is relating to you then you should change the way that you relate to them. In other words, if you don’t like what you are getting from your spouse, or anyone else for that matter, then you should change the way in which you relate to them. If you continue to give what you’re giving you’ll continue to get what you are getting and, as Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working out for ya?” Hopefully it is working well. If it’s not then perhaps it’s time for you to change.

Posted in Marriage - Tagged change, relate

Low Drive, High Drive Dichotomy

Apr22
2011 3 Comments Written by Kentucky Colonel

Husband and Wife As we talked about in Do You Have a High Drive? there is this unseen element at work in every marriage that I call the dichotomy of the high drive and low drive. This dichotomy more than any other thing will put pressure on your marriage. How well you and your spouse handle that pressure will in a great deal determine the level of success that you will experience in your marriage. As I mentioned in that previous post the high drive/low drive dichotomy isn’t just about sex. It reaches to every aspect in marriage. The important and the less important. The big and the small. It is there. Sometimes you really feel it and at other times it’s there but you aren’t as aware of it as perhaps you spouse is.

Now here’s an important piece of information about the high drive/low drive dichotomy, the low drive spouse is in control of whatever the situation whether they want to be or not. Interesting isn’t it? That a person can have the power of control over something simply because they want it less than someone else and often times they would prefer not to have that control at all. As an example, the spouse that has the low drive for visiting family will control when they choose to visit family. Now the other spouse can choose to go on their own to visit their family, but it isn’t quite the same as visiting family together is it? They control it by simply refusing to participate. The high drive spouse suggests that a visit to the low drive spouse’s parents is in order and the low drive spouse refuses to participate. The low drive spouse can also control the level of enjoyment of the high drive spouse by their reluctance to participate. The high drive spouse suggests that a visit to the low drive spouse’s parents is in order and the low drive spouse participates grudgingly. Now the low drive spouse may not want this control but because of their attitude (low desire) toward this activity they are in control.

What are somethings that a mature low drive spouse that doesn’t want to limit their spouse’s enjoyment do?

Attitude adjustment. The most important thing they can do is work on adjusting their own attitude toward the activity.
Love their spouse. Show your spouse that you are concerned about their needs/wants/desires and love them by releasing the control to the higher drive spouse as evidence of your love for your spouse.
Suck it up. There will be times when your spouse needs to do this for you and you need to be willing to do it for them as well.

What about the high drive spouse? What can they do?

Be your own person. The decision that a low drive spouse makes says more about them than it does about you. In the example given above about visiting the low drive spouse’s family, go without the low drive spouse. The fact that the low drive spouse made the decision they made says more about them than it does about you. Natural consequences.
Don’t protect the low drive spouse from the natural negative consequences of their decision. This means allowing your own disappointment to be voiced in a loving and respectful manner.

There are probably somethings that I missed that a mature spouse should be doing whether they are low drive or high drive. Share your thoughts!

Posted in Marriage - Tagged dichotomy, high drive, low drive, mature, pressure

Marriage Ministries – Some Are Better Than Others

Apr13
2011 Leave a Comment Written by Kentucky Colonel

Wedding Band You won’t catch me ragging on any specific ministries but there are some things that everyone should know. One of the signs of a good ministry is that they work on you and leave your spouse to God’s hand. Any marriage “ministry” that claims a poor marriage is sole the responsibility of the husband or the wife is just flat out wrong and without scriptural support. As I stated in an earlier post, there’s always two sinners in every marriage. No more. No less. Anybody that tries to tell you differently is trying to sell you something.

There are ministries out there that will tell you that women are “responders” only and will only respond to her husband’s leadership or lack thereof. There are also ministries out there that will tell you that your marriage is bad because your wife isn’t submissive enough. Both of these types of “ministries” are peddling something and that something is summed up in one word, blame. If you can blame someone else you don’t have to take responsibility for any part of your bad marriage yourself.

I’m currently reading ScreamFree Marriage (affiliate link) by Hal and Jenny Hunkle and at the beginning of Chapter Three in the book he has this quote from Psychologist Albert Ellis:

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.~Albert Ellis

I believe that a sign of maturity is to take responsibility for our problems and what we can control. I cannot truly control anyone but myself. Oh sure I can manipulate, bully and coerce to get my way but that’s not a sign of maturity, just the opposite. So these marriage ministries that peddle the blame are shifting the responsibility for what you can control.

So what can you control? You can control yourself and your responses. Another true sign of maturity is a person who can keep their head while everyone around them is losing theirs. If your spouse snaps at you what can you control in that moment? Your response. You can choose to remain calm and discuss why they snapped at you reasonably and, hopefully, remain calm, cool and mature. Easier said that done.

So take responsibility for what belongs to you and allow your spouse the consequences of their decisions and to take responsibility for what belongs to them. One of the less mature things that any of us can do is to make it easier for a spouse to continue their poor behavior. They need to feel the natural consequences for the decisions and choices that they’ve made and they shouldn’t be protected from those natural consequences. Notice I said “natural consequences” and not “man-made consequences.” You shouldn’t create more problems for your spouse but you shouldn’t protect them from the natural consequences of their behavior either. Caveat: Any behavior that harms them or others should NOT be tolerated and should be handled in a reasonable and responsible manner.

So, when looking for ways to improve your marriage look for things you can control. If you spouse has an anger problem handing them a book on dealing with anger will go over about as well as handing your spouse a diet book. It doesn’t work. You’ll actually be surprised at how acting more reasonably, respectfully, lovingly and maturely toward your spouse will actually change their response towards you. These things don’t happen in a vacuum, they’re all interrelated.

There is no “silver bullet.” Anyone who tells you differently is selling something. Don’t buy it.

Posted in Marriage - Tagged blame, consequences, marriage, marriage ministries, ministries, natural consequences, responsibility, spouse, take responsibility