Hot, Holy, and Humorous’ post Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Volume 1 got me thinking about a couple of articles by Dr. David Schnarch over on PsychologyToday.com, Sexual Relationships Always Consist of ‘Leftovers’ and People Have Sex Within The Limits of Their Development. Together the three kind of inspired this post regarding oral sex, the sexual menu consisting of what’s leftover, and development (a/k/a growing up).
In the post over on Hot, Holy, and Humorous the author points out the joys inherent in the intimate act of sharing oral sex with your spouse even sharing quotes that use words like, “totally open to me” and “giving herself totally over to me.” The sentiment shared in these words by these men is powerful. While many may view the act as the husband blessing the wife the giving of oral sex is a unique experience of being allowed to share that most cherished of experiences from such an intimate perspective.
Now, to the leftovers. The author goes on to pose and answer this question:
What if you just don’t wanna? If the thought of receiving oral sex sickens you, is against your conscience, or you simply don’t enjoy the experience, don’t do it. Godly sexuality is never about forcing or demanding sexual acts from your spouse. If you don’t want to have oral sex, don’t. Find other activities that are mutually pleasurable.”
First, I agree with the sentiment here. No one should ever be forced to do any sex act that they do not want to do. EVER! Neither should a spouse demand, coerce, or manipulate their spouse into doing something sexually that sickens them or is against their conscience. That is how selfish children behave, not selfless adults.
HOWEVER, I don’t think we can just stop there. I think we need to understand the price that is paid by the spouse that is not allowed to share in that most cherished of experiences from that extraordinarily intimate perspective. There really is something particularly intimate, as expressed in the husband’s quotes above, about having your mouth on your spouse’s genitalia and in allowing your spouse to use their mouth on your genitalia. It is at the same time humbling and empowering in the giving and in the receiving. It is a very intimate act and therein lies the joy and therein lies the reluctance.
Finally to development… sometimes adults have to come to the realization that the person they married has only developed so far and I guess this is where I would very slightly challenge the advice quoted above. Lovingly and respectfully challenge each other to grow in emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. Do not enable your spouse or your marriage to become intimately stagnate. The impetus for this post was oral sex but this applies to much more than oral sex and physical intimacy.
I am certain there are some very real spiritually intimate lessons to be learned from overcoming our inhibitions with our spouse to overcoming our inhibitions with God.
[Edited to add: The book She Comes First is written for a secular audience and, as such, you should eat the meat and spit on the bones (pun not intended but funny anyway). I found the anatomy lesson worth the read in itself.]