Photo by emilien auneau

On one of the online forums in which I participate the question is often asked here about making the experience better for our spouse, whether that’s oral sex, manual sex, etc. Today I’d like to make some observations about sexual behavior in general and then manual sex (hand jobs) specifically.

SEX IN GENERAL

Don’t fall into the trap that sex is just genital stimulation or only about physical response. Genital stimulation will give you an orgasm but adding a bit of eroticism to the equation makes for a better sexual experience. Better sex takes the broader perspective attempting to enlist all of the senses and their partner’s psyche as well, emotionally engaging their sexual partner. Sex with a partner falls on a continuum moving from allowing your spouse to use your body as a masturbatory tool at one end to making erotic love to your spouse at the other. The former allows access to only your body while the latter gives your partner access to your own eroticism. The former shares your body the latter shares a part of your self.

MANUAL SEX a/k/a HAND JOBS

Hand jobs can fall into the “it’s just about genital stimulation” trap easily because of the nature of the act, it’s manual, or it’s a hand job. Don’t fall into this trap. If you’re the wife that sits beside your husband clothed and strokes his penis with your eyes closed, saying nothing, not making eye contact, not providing encouragement, you’ve fallen into the trap. It’s time to climb out.

So, how can you make a hand job better for him? Well first we need to talk about THE MALE GENITALS (external link to an article on The Marriage Bed). If you look at the second diagram [Front view Male sex organs, external Under side of penis] you’ll be able to distinguish between the different parts of the penis. The glans, corona and frenulum (also called the head) of the penis is where you want to focus your attention because this is where the majority of nerve endings are with the corona and the frenulum being the two most sensitive areas.

The Stroke

Ask your husband, but the vast majority of men prefer a lubricated hand to a dry hand. Coconut Oil makes a great lubricant as it is good for the skin and won’t stain the sheets. Basically what you want to do is use your hand to stroke the head of his penis or, most importantly his corona. If you grip his penis where your thumb and forefinger (pointer) are at the top of his penis and your pinky is toward the base you’ll want to move your hand down until your thumb and forefinger are around the corona and then begin to move up again. Move up until your thumb and forefinger are at the top of his penis. You can choose to envelop your hand around the glans based on your husband’s preference or reactions. IMPORTANT INFORMATION: For the vast majority of men, once they’ve begun to ejaculate their glans becomes super sensitive. At this point it is best not to envelop the glans and just continue to gently stimulate the corona. Again, ask your guy.

Stimulation of the head (glans, corona, frenulum) is what will lead him to orgasm. Your husband may enjoy you going further or all the way down his shaft, ask him. Remember though, if stroking vigorously and going to the base of his penis that on the downward thrust you may come in contact with his testicles. BE CAREFUL! 😯

Tired Arm

One of the complaints about hand jobs is that he takes so long that your arm gets tired. Well now that you’ve learned the stroke I’ll clue you into a little secret, all you really need to do to get him to orgasm is to stimulate his frenulum. If you get tired and need a break just take his penis in your hand so that the frenulum is available to your thumb and use your thumb to make little caressing circles on the frenulum of his penis.

He Takes Too Long

Here is where we circle back around to getting out of the “it’s just about genital stimulation” trap. The formula to reach orgasm is genital stimulation + eroticism. The more of the latter the less of the former needed.

We talked about the wife that sits beside her husband clothed and strokes his penis with her eyes closed, saying nothing, not making eye contact, and not providing encouragement. Well don’t do that!

Here’s what you do instead:

• Sit where you can watch what you are doing and can make eye contact with your husband.
  • What’s the big deal about eye contact? It shows self-confidence and it shows that you are not ashamed (Genesis 2:25).
• Give him something erotic to look at. Topless is better than clothed and naked is better than topless.
  • Maybe you start out clothed and get naked slowly. Maybe you start naked. Mix it up!
• Use your sexual vocabulary to give him some sexual encouragement.
  BONUS POINTS: Look him in the eye when you say it. 
  • A good time for this is when you’re giving your arm a rest and caressing his frenulum. Be creatively erotic. I would warn against pushing for a fast finish (orgasm) because that can be counterproductive. Once he’s reached the point of no return you can encourage him to finish.
  • Again, eye contact shows your self-confidence and a lack of shame.
• Lie down beside him and kiss him passionately while you stroke him. Whisper sexual encouragement into his ear.
• Give him access to your body.
  • Breasts, etc. 😉
• Be engaged in what you are doing.
• Don’t check out on him. Be there in the moment with him and for him.

These are ideas for adding eroticism to manual sex. The list isn’t exhaustive but something that perhaps will give you some ideas and a place to start. I hope that you can see how adding eroticism also adds to the connective aspect of sexual activity.

Inside Information That will Blow His Mind

It is very likely that your husband has no idea just how good his orgasm can be. Yes, that’s right, no idea how good his orgasm can be. Would you like to be the one that shows your husband how to experience the strongest orgasm of his life?

The intensity of the male orgasm is directly related to how much fluid he releases; the more he ejaculates, the better it feels. Two things that increase the quantity of ejaculation are prolonged abstinence and prolonged stimulation prior to climax.

The seminal vesicles and prostate produce fluid all the time, but during times of strong arousal, they kick into over drive. This means that prolonged high-level arousal before climax will result in a much more pleasurable orgasm. Stimulation of the penis during foreplay will have the desired effect…

~The Marriage Bed: Better Sex for Him

Few men are interested in using the abstinence method for increasing their orgasmic pleasure. For most men it just isn’t worth it. However, “prolonged stimulation” sounds like a very interesting method for increasing his orgasmic pleasure.

As we’ve discussed the first part of having an orgasm is genital stimulation, the second part of the equation is eroticism and the final piece of the equation is time. The thing about time is that it can be a multiplier, or, in other words, the longer you make him last the more powerful his orgasm. So, how do you go about giving him the orgasm of his life? Well, first you need the time. What you’ll want to do is bring him to the edge and back him off several times. In other words, take him right to the point of no return and then stop. How long will that take? I don’t know, every man is different, but if the goal is for you to really surprise him with this new found knowledge then you should be prepared to invest enough time to do the job correctly (pun intended).

Honestly if you want to really milk this thing for all it’s worth you’ll tell him of your intentions well in advance to build the anticipation, which will increase his sexual arousal, which will cause an increase in semen production, which will begin the process of you giving him an orgasm like he’s never imagined. You could spread this over two to three days, anything more than three days just seems cruel to me but you know your husband better than I. However you decide to do this have a plan that will keep him sexually aroused throughout the day(s) leading up to the big event. The anticipation is a good tool. You could even choose to take him to the edge the morning of or the night before or BOTH remembering that the goal is to keep him sexually aroused (erect) so that the seminal vesicles and prostate are producing fluid. Once the time arrives be patient and don’t be too upset if things don’t go perfectly the first time, if you get him really fired up beforehand you may have to try again.

If manual sex hasn’t worked well in the past perhaps it’s time to try again with a new enthusiasm and some fresh ideas! Grown up people have grown up sex.