There are times that I look at my wife and realize how little I know her even though I know her so well. I hope you understand that, or, perhaps I hope you don’t understand… The realization of how little I know about her forces me to face one of my greatest fears, never getting beyond that feeling of not knowing. I want to know my wife and I want to understand her and I want to be known and understood as well. My fear is that I’m not progressing enough or fast enough to know and be known.
I know that there are still things I choose not to share with her because I’m afraid. I know that there are things that she doesn’t share with me because she is afraid. I’d like to get rid of all of the fear because it is true that fear shows an absence of trust, safety, faith and integrity. The things that I’m afraid of sharing with my wife aren’t sinful or shameful or anything like that, they’re just intimate and I fear her reaction. That says something about me. I need to show more integrity at those moments and show the real me. The thing is, I want her to be truly safe to share things with me but, like we all do, I’ve made mistakes in the past, just as she has, and so here we are… deeply in love but not feeling 100% safe with one another.
So my fear of rejection is trumping my great desire to know and be known… When all of that is boiled down I’m afraid that in the end I won’t have enough integrity to know my wife and be known by her. I have to decide what I’m going to do about that.
So, do you have any confessions to make? What are some of your fears about your marriage?
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