Oral Sex, Leftovers and Development
March 28, 2012 Limits to Growth

Hot, Holy, and Humorous’ post Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Volume 1 got me thinking about a couple of articles by Dr. David Schnarch over on, Sexual Relationships Always Consist of ‘Leftovers’ and People Have Sex Within The Limits of Their Development. Together the three kind of inspired this post regarding oral sex, the sexual menu consisting of what’s leftover, and development (a/k/a growing up).

In the post over on Hot, Holy, and Humorous the author points out the joys inherent in the intimate act of sharing oral sex with your spouse even sharing quotes that use words like, “totally open to me” and “giving herself totally over to me.” The sentiment shared in these words by these men is powerful. While many may view the act as the husband blessing the wife the giving of oral sex is a unique experience of being allowed to share that most cherished of experiences from such an intimate perspective.

Now, to the leftovers. The author goes on to pose and answer this question:

What if you just don’t wanna? If the thought of receiving oral sex sickens you, is against your conscience, or you simply don’t enjoy the experience, don’t do it. Godly sexuality is never about forcing or demanding sexual acts from your spouse. If you don’t want to have oral sex, don’t. Find other activities that are mutually pleasurable.”

First, I agree with the sentiment here. No one should ever be forced to do any sex act that they do not want to do. EVER! Neither should a spouse demand, coerce, or manipulate their spouse into doing something sexually that sickens them or is against their conscience. That is how selfish children behave, not selfless adults.

HOWEVER, I don’t think we can just stop there. I think we need to understand the price that is paid by the spouse that is not allowed to share in that most cherished of experiences from that extraordinarily intimate perspective. There really is something particularly intimate, as expressed in the husband’s quotes above, about having your mouth on your spouse’s genitalia and in allowing your spouse to use their mouth on your genitalia. It is at the same time humbling and empowering in the giving and in the receiving. It is a very intimate act and therein lies the joy and therein lies the reluctance.

Finally to development… sometimes adults have to come to the realization that the person they married has only developed so far and I guess this is where I would very slightly challenge the advice quoted above. Lovingly and respectfully challenge each other to grow in emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. Do not enable your spouse or your marriage to become intimately stagnate. The impetus for this post was oral sex but this applies to much more than oral sex and physical intimacy.

I am certain there are some very real spiritually intimate lessons to be learned from overcoming our inhibitions with our spouse to overcoming our inhibitions with God.


[Edited to add: The book She Comes First is written for a secular audience and, as such, you should eat the meat and spit on the bones (pun not intended but funny anyway). I found the anatomy lesson worth the read in itself.]

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"8" Comments
  1. It’s curious that some wives who don’t want this act in their sexual repertoire may add it years later. I’ve heard from several of those. I think that if husbands nurture the sexual relationship as a whole, they might actually end up having oral sex after all. But you’re right that some wives simply aren’t ready for it, and I doubt that pushing or demanding suddenly makes them ready and willing. Interesting stuff!

    • Pushing or demanding are never real answers. That may only get your own jollies off, which would be shallow not to mention, IT AINT NO FUN IF SHE AINT DIGGIN IT.
      Let’s face it guys,, God created us men to be providers and meat the needs of our wives. The real truth is, (if we don’t know it yet), that we get off on getting her off, and our eroticism is ONLY FULLY MET in her eroticism.
      For women, oral sex can be filled with all kinds of locked down misinformation about themselves. When we find out what it is, by the confidence and empowerment of WHO WE ARE in Gods grace, we can bring freedom to her as we speak life over the lie!

  2. Thank you for speaking the truth. I find myself agreeing with you 95% of the time. I only wish you would write more often.

    I concur with the idea that different levels of development sometimes play a part in a spouse’s refusal to have oral sex. Some people simply aren’t ready to go there. However, it is a very delicate area in which to challenge a spouse. It can cause hurt feelings and a long-term dry spell if not handles just right.

    There is also the issue of frustrated husbands seeking fulfillment of this desire elsewhere, which is and unfortunate but very real consequence in many marriages. There really is no experience that compares to the intimacy of oral sex, and that is why, I believe, so many husbands have affairs. It isn’t for companionship – we can get that from a best friend. It is almost always for sex, and oral sex in particular.

  3. I’m a young wife–been married just over a year–and the thought of oral sex did not appeal to me at all when we first got married. However, my husband asked so sweetly if I could do it for him that I did consent…and now I love it. More than that, it’s another way I can show my love for him, and it’s great for when we don’t have much time or for when I’m menstruating. I was definitely not interested in having him perform oral on me for a lot longer–mainly because I thought it would be disgusting for him–but he loves doing it, as long as I’m good and clean, and I’ve come to discover that I get a lot of pleasure out of it as well.

    My advice to any married couple would be…don’t knock it till you try it!

  4. I love giving oral sex and hubby loves receiving it. I LOVE receiving it, but I can’t even recall the last time hubby gave it. It is the best and often only way to get me to climax, yet he won’t go down on me anymore. I give it to him almost every time as foreplay. I am clean and tidy down there and I have never given any indication for him to quit. What’s a wife to do?

    • I’m sorry that he has stopped.

      Have you asked him to do it? Have you asked him why he stopped? Have you let him know that you miss it?

      Communicate about it. Let yourself be known. You’ll gain insight into your husband and, hopefully, he will gain insight into you.

  5. Pingback: Some Thoughts on Oral Sex... | Intimacy in Marriage

  6. Hi K Colonel,
    Wrote you earlier on MTB about a rescinded post, as wife and I R new on there. Noticing your comment on the subject matter above where you SLIGHTLY challenged the authors thought, and I just had to stop and say a big AMEN TO YOU! I feel your statement is especially true for husbands, as we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it! Where am I going you may ask?
    First,,, the question is… what exactly did he give himself up really mean? Just giving himself up isn’t the message, as JUST ” giving ourselves up” doesn’t necessarily equate to positive or good. But, the real focal point is, (SINCE HE KNEW WHO HE WAS), it purchased our freedom by Grace! Freedom from a law we could never keep, replaced with a righteousness we could never earn, every promised now yes, every curse broken, and empowered to become, (by faith, Heb.11:1), everything his word says we are. In essence a type of restoration back to the garden. INNOCENT AND UNASHAMED.. Free from the tree of knowledge good /evil, a curse the natural world must still live under, but we are NOW not of it, just in it. We are now free to live totally intimate from the TREE OF LIFE, (JESUS) !!!
    We are to lead our wives into every area of freedom… never CONTENTED OR DECEIVED to leave her to eat of the apple.
    Life and death are in the power of my lips toward my wife, and Heb. 11:1 gives birth to either.
    Within that freedom, when I intimately and erotically communicate to my wife how totally intoxicated she makes me she can’t wait for me to partake of the feast!!!!!

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