One of my favorite posts by Dr. David Schnarch is People Have Sex Within The Limits of Their Development. it is one of my favorites because it challenges the reader to realize that to mature beyond their current limits will require some feelings of nervousness and anxiety. The process toward maturity is not easy, it can be difficult. If it were easy everyone would be mature.
Dr. Schnarch also reminds us that we know this to be true because we’ve probably already experienced it. Taking the risk of trying to hold that first boy or girl’s hand was nerve racking. How confident were you the fist time you kissed someone of the opposite sex to whom you were not related. Sweaty palms just thinking about it. Eventually you got over the nervousness of holding hands and gained more confidence in kissing. It’s normal human behavior but it doesn’t stop at holding hands and kissing. As you move on to more sexual activities you are fist anxious about it and grow in confidence as you master the activity. You mature sexually, You’re growing up.
In Dr. Schnarch’s post Sexual Relationships Always Consist of ‘Leftovers’ Dr. Schnarch points out that…
“Sexual relationships always consist of ‘leftovers.’ You get to decide what sexual behaviors you don’t want to do, your partner does this too, and together you do what ever is left. This is how normal sexual relationships develop.”
In People Have Sex Within The Limits of Their Development he explains why…
The sexual activities you eliminate generally consist of sexual behaviors and meanings beyond your current sexual development.
So, when you married you and your spouse learned the limits of the other and acquiesced to each others limits. Now you might not remember it happening because you didn’t call a meeting and have a discussion but you both figured out fairly quickly what the other was comfortable with and what they weren’t comfortable with and to keep the peace (and to be able to continue to have ‘leftover’ sex) you acquiesced. This is all normal. It’s just what happens in marriages.
What happens next is that one of the people in the relationship becomes bored with ‘leftover’ sex and begins to push for more variety on the sexual menu. Now, I don’t want to hit this one too hard but if you’re a sexually refused spouse you should at least consider if perhaps your spouse is bored with the sex you do have. Let me be clear, I am not saying that this is the case in every situation but I do think that it happens. If sex becomes a pattern or a rut then a more adventurous spouse might decide that sex was boring and not worth perusing. Usually what happens in these situation though is that the higher variety drive spouse begins to push for changes and this challenges their spouse to keep up and may make the spouse feel inadequate. Again, this is all normal. It’s just what happens in marriages.
Now let me let you in on a secret that your Pastor probably hasn’t ever told you: Sex was God’s idea. God made them male and female and when He did He knew exactly what He was doing. Anyone who says differently isn’t reading the same Bible that I’ve read. It’s pretty clear in scripture that within the bonds of marriage sex is supposed to be a uniting force. What God meant to be a uniting force satan has co-opted to be a force for division. God means these struggles, anxieties, nervousness, feelings of inadequacies to force us to work together by forcing us to grow. Instead we focus on not being challenged and beleive we shouldn’t feel bad for not meeting our spouse’s expectations.
Has your sex life gotten into a rut? Has it become routine? Is it just like watching a re-run you’ve seen over and over again? Perhaps it is time to add some eroticism into your routine…
erot·ic adjective \i-ˈrä-tik\
1: of, devoted to, or tending to arouse sexual love or desire (erotic art)
2: strongly marked or affected by sexual desire
Sex is not just a physical act. Sex is, or should be, a whole body, five senses experience.
If you believe that genital stimulation to orgasm is as good as sex can be then you’re missing out on a lot, namely eroticism. The most important sex organ is not the genitalia but the mind (brain). Adding visual, aural, aroma, tactile and flavor to your love making will engage your whole self in the experience.
BE FOREWARNED: Your spouse may not be sexually developed enough to handle your eroticism.
My post giving wives advice on manual sex lost me some followers on social media. I assume some weren’t sexually mature enough to be okay with a man giving sex advice to women. Ever read Songs of Solomon? For every follower I lost I gained several more. I assume some of those I gained are interested in introducing some sexual variety into their marriages.
The point of all of this is not to just think about these things. The point is to put these things we discuss and think about into action. The point of all of this is to face our anxieties and to grow up.
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